They are in no hurry to get closer to other people, they are afraid of trusting relationships, look strong and impregnable … All these are signs of counter -dependence, which, according to the family psychotherapist Valentina Moskalenko, is very often combined with co -dependence. In the book “I have my own scenario. How to make your family happy. ”The expert explains how this happens.
I began to pay attention to the signs of counter-dependence after meeting with the book of American psychologists-practitioners of Berry and Genya Uanhold “Embellings from close. Delivering of your relationship from counter -dependence – the other side of co -dependence “. The authors set out in it their “theory of development systems”: in their opinion, both every person and all human communities (married couples, groups, organizations, national states) go through four stages of development:
- co -dependence,
- counter -dependence,
- independence,
- interdependence.
In order for a person to move to the next stage, the previous one must be completed.
Stage of co -dependence It is formed at the age of conception to six months if the child was not able to develop attachment to parents. This happens in those families where parents are not considered children’s needs and do not give him unconditional love, frequent bodily and visual contact.
But this is an important need: any child needs to be often taken in his arms, touched him, sang, stroked his head and spoke with him affectionately. Already at this age you need to respect the feelings of children and their first attempts to know the world.
If they do not receive all this, then in adulthood they develop co -dependent habits, they enter into co -dependent relationships, trying to satisfy the needs that were left without attention in childhood.
Most of my customers – immigrants from problem families – combine signs of co -dependence and counter -dependence
Stage of counter -dependence begins at about six to seven months and lasts up to about three years of age. Children begin to physically and emotionally get out of the care of parents. They experience natural curiosity for the world, strive for independence and resist everything – feeding, dressing, and so on. Therefore, this time is also called a “period of terrible two -year -olds”.
The motto of the child at this age: “I can do everything myself. I will prove that I don’t need you “. If parents withstand this force confrontation, then further, at five to six years, the child will behave more complaisant. At the stage of up to three years, the psychological department of the child from
parents and his “psychological birth” should occur.
But in the event that in the first year of life, parents did not pay enough attention to the baby and unconditional love, and in the second and third year they did not allow him to become emotionally independent, then what psychologists call the child’s injury. As a result, such a person in adulthood remains co -dependent or counter -dependent.
My observations show that most of my customers – immigrants from problematic families – combine signs of co -dependence and counter -dependence.
Take, for example, Elena. She came for psychological help after a divorce from a drinking husband. The couple lived in marriage for three years. Young, beautiful, brightly dressed, successful business woman. Earns well, holds confidently. Defiantly rejects her husband’s alimony – they say, we will do without your help. In the car, she loves to drive only on a driver’s seat, she cannot sit nearby like a passenger.
At the same time, Elena was confused in a relationship with her mother – she cannot disobey her. They often conflict. But Elena cannot do without a mother, and the point is not only that she nurses her little daughter, her granddaughter. It is very important for Elena that her mother approves her choice, is pleased with her behavior. This combined-up business woman and periods of anxiety, tears, almost despair. Then she gives herself the command “not to beg!”And again plunges into the work.
I see in Elena a combination of features of co -dependence and counter -dependence. She only demonstrates high self -esteem, but deep down she does not think about herself. Desperately afraid of loneliness, but cannot trust men. The flight of intimacy is the strategy that it uses.
What is the difference between counter -dependence and co -dependence? This is how these differences are characterized by Berry and Genya Winehold.
Co -dependence and counter -dependence interfere with the establishment of harmonious relations. But what independence? In my opinion, it also interferes. There is no real independence and cannot be. And partial – financial, psychological, or temporary independence in order to overcome its dependence – is possible.
The harmony of relations is achieved only in a healthy interdependence. When everyone remains himself and may not be afraid to show all the facets of their personality. An example of healthy interdependence is much more difficult to give than unhealthy, because the latter is much more common. But still try to imagine such a picture.
In such a relationship, no one is putting pressure on anyone, does not try to change, does not suffocate with demands, but also does not show indifference
The husband calls his wife and reports that he wants to spend an evening with old friends, which means that they will drink. He asks if she had other plans for this time. As usual women behave in such a situation? That’s right, they try to control: “Again for their! Is it really impossible to do without drinking?! If you want to know my opinion, I am against. Come home if you don’t want me to be upset “. And all evening they write to the husbands of the SSMESK: “Where are you?”
If the relationship between the spouses is more healthy, the wife could answer: “Frankly, dear: I don’t really like this idea because I am worried about your health. But still you have not spent time with friends for a long time, you work all the time, so, of course, go if you want. I will find what to take myself “. And maybe this evening will go to massage. And perhaps the husband, after such a conversation, will not go to friends, but to the spouse, who showed honesty and respect for him.
In such a relationship, no one is putting pressure on anyone, does not try to change, does not suffocate with demands, but also does not show indifference or selfishness.